Trump Second Term Satire: “A Satire about Trump Executive Orders that Every Day Becomes Less Satiric and More Real”

I need your help with some drafts of new Executive Orders that President Trump asked me to put into writing. Before I give them to POTUS as he asked me to do, I would appreciate your review and comments.

But first, I should explain how this came to be.

I did not know Charlie Kirk before he was murdered.

It took me a few days to learn about him and to process what happened.

At that time, I said some words of disgust about his murder and some words of sympathy towards his family. Those words included some reflections derived from Jesus’ teachings and included references to Jesus. Although I am Jewish and embrace my Judaism, I admire what Jesus taught and consider him a Great Rabbi. See, e.g., “Christ Actually,” by James Carroll, which explains in part my attraction to Jesus. [This paragraph is not satiric].

I thought my words about Charley Kirk referenced above were said privately.

The next day, I got a call from the White House. I was told that a new national security device installed secretly by DOGE had analyzed my words, as all words said ‘in the presence‘ of Alexa and Siri are now fed into this new AI national security device. I was also told that after doing some further computer research concerning my professional work as a lawyer and into my Jewish background and practice, the AI device identified me as a prime candidate for the task at hand. As to what that task was, I was told that POTUS would explain when I met with him.

I promptly flew to D.C. and met with POTUS, who asked me to call him Donald, as I will call him hereinafter. He told me he wanted to issue a bunch of new Executive Orders that would serve to honor Charlie Kirk and to expand Charley’s legacy. However, Donald’s staff was having problems composing them, as there isn’t a competent lawyer among them.

Donald told me this was a great opportunity not only to serve the Nation but also to serve myself: He would make me the public face of a new Administration program to bring the Christian community together with the Jewish community in support of his agenda, which could be sold as interfaith programing and would naturally lead to fame and fortune.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell Donald to his face, in his office, that I didn’t want the job and that the AI national security system’s research on my background must have been faulty. Perhaps it relied on a word search that was much too narrow. Donald sensed my reluctance.

That’s when he told me he would sweeten the deal: If I agreed to draft the new Executive Orders, he would give me 1% of the money that his family would make from his recent deal with the United Arab Emirates (UAE). I assumed he was referring to the $2 billion ‘investment’ by the UAE’s ruling family in a cryptocurrency company recently founded by Donald’s sons and Donald’s friend Steve Witkoff, which was followed two weeks later by Donald’s agreement on behalf of the United States to allow the UAE access to hundreds of thousands of the world’s most advanced and scarce computer chips notwithstanding previously enforced national security restrictions based on serious concern that the UAE would share those chips with China or other adversaries — all as first reported by The New York Times on September 15, 2025.

It was an offer I could not refuse.

It has taken me a few months to draft the Executive Orders that Donald requested. My current draft is set forth below.

Please give me your comments so I can finalize these draft Orders. There’s more than enough profit coming to me to allow me to say that I will give you 1% of what I get if I should use your comments to revise any part of these drafts.

If you need further incentive, know this: This is where America is going. Either get on board or, if not, get ready to be put on board a plane destined for South Sudan or Somalia.

P.S. Additional Executive Orders will be issued after draft Executive Order L below is fully implemented. If you want to suggest additional Executive Orders that go beyond what President Trump asked me to write up, please refrain from suggesting anything that would not be practical until after Executive Order L below is implemented.

P.P.S. The form of these drafts, including their excessive length and their being single-spaced, is designed to be soporific, thus deterring opposition to them. If you should fall asleep while reviewing them, have some coffee and keep trying. Remember the reward that awaits.

Executive Orders 132 A, B, C, D, E, F. G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P and Q

1. It is the policy of the United States of America that any opponents of President Trump or his policies (which includes anyone who has ever said anything critical of President Trump or Charles Kirk) are enemies of the United States. All such enemies shall forthwith forfeit and lose any and all Federal Government privileges and benefits they might have or ever have, including any tax, Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare or other health benefits. All Departments of the Federal Government, working together, and employing all available surveillance systems, including those recently installed by DOGE, shall forthwith compile a list of all such enemies and take immediate steps to implement the aforesaid forfeitures as well as the security measures below. In addition, the Department of Justice (DOJ) shall promptly open criminal investigations to determine whether such enemies have violated any laws, Federal, State or local, including hiring or supporting in any way any illegal alien (as broadly defined in previous Executive Orders and including any so-called birthright citizens), making any false statement on a mortgage application or on any application for Government benefits, or driving with defective tail lights. The DOJ shall prosecute all such violations of Federal law to the full extent possible, and coordinate with State and local prosecutors to prosecute any violations of State and local law. Further, the Department of Homeland Security (DOHS) shall notify the employers of all such enemies that the employer is employing one or more such enemies and shall identify that enemy or enemies by name to the employer. Once so notified by the DOJ, that employer shall forthwith fire all such enemies. That employer also shall not in the future hire anyone who appears on the DOJ list of enemies (which list the DOJ shall provide to the employer). The DOJ shall also provide all other employers in the United States of America with the list of enemies, and those employers, too, shall not in the future hire anyone who appears on that list. Any employer not complying with the above shall forfeit and lose any and all Government privileges and benefits he, she or it may have or may ever have. To the extent that this Executive Order 132 A conflicts with Executive Orders 132 D or secret Executive Order132 M, this Executive Order 132 A shall supersede Executive Order 132 D and Secret Executive 132 M.
2. It is the policy of the United States of America that all States shall gerrymander their election laws for the purpose of ensuring the election of candidates who support President Trump. Any State that does not comply shall forthwith forfeit and lose all Federal Government benefits and privileges, including all Medicaid and other grant money.
3. It is the policy of the United States of America that Climate Change is a hoax, that all the Nation’s energy needs should derive from American fossil fuels to the maximum extent possible, and that fossil fuels should be produced as quickly and in as large a quantity as possible with any fossil fuel not needed for domestic consumption sold to foreign nations at as high a price as possible. All Departments of the United States Government shall forthwith review all laws and regulations to determine whether they comply with this policy and do everything in their power to revise any laws and regulations to bring them into compliance with this policy. Particular attention should be given to the eradication of Windmills; as Don Quixote understood, Windmills are Evil.
4. It is the policy of the United States of America that there shall be no criminal prosecutions for financial fraud of any kind and that any such pending prosecutions shall be dismissed with prejudice, thus reducing the administrative burden of issuing individual pardons. The DOJ shall forthwith take steps to implement this policy.
5. It is the policy of the United States of America that universities and colleges and high schools and junior high schools and elementary schools shall teach nothing that could be construed as critical of the United States of America or of President Trump or of Christianity, and that any teaching institution whose staff member or members teaches anything that is critical in that way shall forthwith forfeit and lose any and all Government privileges and benefits that it may have or ever have, including any contracts, grants and tax exemptions or benefits.
6. It is the policy of the United States of America that law firms or other entities involved in the practice of law (for example, the ACLU) shall file no court papers that in any way oppose any policy of the United States of America, including any Executive Order issued by Donald Trump, and that any lawyer, law firm or entity of the kind that files any such papers shall forthwith forfeit and lose any and all Government privileges and benefits they might have or ever have, including all tax and Social Security benefits. Furthermore, any such lawyer shall be deemed an opponent of President Trump and his policies under Executive Order 132 A and treated as such.
7. It is the policy of the United States of America that no media outlet, including broadcast and social media, shall permit the broadcast or publication of anything that is critical of President Trump or his policies. Any media outlet that does not comply shall forthwith forfeit and lose any and all Government benefits and privileges, including any broadcast licenses.
8. It is the policy of the United States of America that the great work that the National Guard and ICE is doing on the streets of America as ordered by the President is essential to the national security of America. If any person should interfere with that work in any manner, including but not limited to being disrespectful to a National Guardsman or ICE officer or agent while on duty, that person shall have intentionally acted contrary to the national security, the DOJ shall promptly commence a criminal investigation to determine whether the person should be indicted for endangering the Nation’s security or for any other offense, and that person shall be deemed an opponent of Donald Trump and his policies for purposes of Executive Order 132 A above and treated as such.
9. It is the policy of the United States of America that anyone who does not adhere to, or who acts contrary to or interferes with, any of these Executive Orders who is a Federal employee or appointee, including all judges and magistrates, shall be deemed an opponent of Donald Trump for purposes of Executive Order 132 A above and  immediately be removed from that Federal position for cause.
10. It is the policy of the United States of America that certain words and phrases are contrary to the interests of The United States of America. What still remains of The Department of Education shall forthwith compile a list of such words, which shall include “diversity,’ “equity,” “racial justice,” “affirmative action” “political rights,” “illegal orders,” “equality,” “oligarchy,” “disparity” and “Jeffrey (or Jeff) Epstein.” All words and phrases on that list shall forthwith be deleted from all websites, emails and other electronic documents in the possession or control of the United States Government, and all Departments of the United States Government, including the Library of Congress, shall forthwith conduct a search for all written documents that contain any such words and phrase and shall burn all such documents. Any person caught using any such word or phrase shall be deemed an opponent of President Trump and his policies for purposes of Executive Order 132 A and treated as such, except if the word or phrase is being used to explain why it is not oppositional to President Trump and his policies.
11. It is the policy of the United States of America that certain drugs that are killing many American citizens who are not opponents of President Trump are equivalent to weapons of mass destruction and that anyone who participates in bringing those drugs into the United States from abroad, or who supports any effort to bring such drugs into the United States, is an enemy of the United States of America and engaged in Acts of War against the United States of America. The Department of War (DOW), f/k/a The Department of Defense, in coordination with Secretary Kennedy of the Department of Health and Human Services, shall forthwith compile a list of all such drugs (which list shall not include any drugs that President Trump or any of his immediate family currently use or supply, including Ecstasy). The DOW shall also forthwith compile and submit to President Trump a list of all people who, and organizations that, the DOW has good reason to believe are engaged in such Acts of War, together with recommendations for the elimination of those people and organizations and the recommended means and prioritization of doing so. In compiling said list and recommendations, if the names of individuals are not fully known, then designation by other means – such as “fishermen who pilot small boats in the Gulf of America” – will suffice. Further, anyone who says or suggests that any such elimination is, or could in any way be, comparable to murder is an opponent of President Trump and his policies for purposes of Executive Order 132 A above and shall be treated as such.
12. It is the policy of the United States of America that all potentially deadly weapons that could be used to assassinate President Trump, or any of his outspoken supporters in the Administration or in the Congress or in the media, need to be brought under proper controls. Therefore, the Department of Homeland Security (DOHS), in coordination with DOJ, shall forthwith take steps to ensure that all military and police forces in the United States, including all Federal, State and local agents and officers who possess firearms or other potentially deadly weapons, are not, or do not include, enemies of the United States and opponents of President Trump and his policies as defined in Executive Order 132 A above. DOHS shall, among other things, determine who among them are such enemies and opponents and compile lists of all such agents and officers. Those enemies and opponents shall be treated in accordance with Executive Order 132 A and shall forthwith be fired by their employers and made to forfeit all their weapons. In addition, all such weapon carrying agents and officers shall swear an Oath of Allegiance to President Trump that DOJ shall prepare, and any agent or officer who refuses to swear to that Oath shall forthwith be fired. If any State or locality shall not give full support to that investigation and determination, or refuse or otherwise fail to fire any such enemy or opponent or Oath-refuser as required above, or otherwise impede the implementation of this Executive Order, then that State or locality shall forthwith forfeit and lose all Federal Government benefits and privileges, including all Medicaid and other grant money. All steps taken to carry out and implement this Executive Order L shall be referred to as “gun control reform.”

Executive Orders 132 A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K and L above all are public executive orders.

Executive Orders 132 M, N, O, P and Q below are secret executive orders, to be held secret and confidential in the same way that previously secret Executive Orders have been held secret and confidential.

13. The Department of State (DOS) shall forthwith compile and submit to President Trump a comprehensive list of all the current armed conflicts in the world, including all conflicts between Nations and within any Nation, no matter how sporadic the armed conflict and notwithstanding any previous statements about, or designations of, certain nations being shitholes of no interest to the United States of America. Together with that list, DOS shall also submit a detailed statement of recommendations for how President Trump could achieve either a temporary pause in each such conflict or the appearance of an end to such conflict. Such recommendations shall be tailored so that the temporary pause in, or appearance of end to, armed conflict would continue to exist at least for the next two years and should include possible action that might previously have been rejected on the ground that it would achieve nothing but kick the can down the road a ways. All such recommendations should not take into account of what anyone may think to be the interests of the United States of America or of its supposed allies or its supposed enemies, including their military, economic or political interests. Nor should those recommendations take into account the interests of the Nation or Nations that are currently engaged in the armed conflict beyond the interest in a temporary cessation of armed conflict or the appearance of end to the current armed conflict. In formulating such recommendation, DOS should consider the full panoply of force that the United States of America could bring to bear to implement this Executive Order, including the use of tariffs, the use of or threats to use military action (including first- class kinetic bombing of any fishy fishermen and their little boats), the use of sanctions, the withdrawal of support or contracts or programs or money, the promise of support or contracts or programs or money or other consideration (you know, what used to be called bribery but now is both immunized and pardoned).
14. It is further the policy of the United States of America that President Trump become the first Emperor of The New World. In addition to the initial steps already taken as concerns Greenland, Canada, Panama, Venezuela and Argentina, new initiatives are required both in those Nations and in other parts of North, Central and South America (and in other places, like Denmark, that think they have some say in the matter) to achieve that objective. The DOS shall organize a Task Force whose sole function is to brainstorm and then make detailed policy recommendations about how to disrupt the normal functioning of the governments in each of those Nations in preparation for a Trumpification of each Nation and about how then to proceed to achieve that Trumpification. In preparing those policy recommendations, particular attention should be given to the excellent work that Putin did in the past dozen years and more to achieve the Trumpification of the United States of America and also to the potential new roles of Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Cybercurrency manipulations. Attention should also be paid to the possibility of using AI deep fake technology to manipulate Cybercurrency markets (and thus also manipulate other markets that have now welcomed and integrated Cybercurrency in one way or another) in ways that would both help achieve President Trump becoming the first Emperor of the New World and at the same time make him and his immediate family much richer even than they are at present, all without anyone learning how that happened. If DOS should require any expertise or other assistance from the Treasury Department or from any another branch of the Government, just say the word.
15. It is the policy of the United States of America to further enrich President Trump and all members of his immediate family as well as all billionaires who reside in the United States except for those who are opponents of President Trump. All Departments of the United States Government shall forthwith review all laws and regulations to determine whether they comply with this policy and do everything in their power to revise any laws and regulations to bring them into compliance with this policy. All Departments should be especially vigilant for economic opportunities as concerns Cryptocurrencies, AI, precious metals and computer chips, because that’s where the big bucks are right now, and report all such opportunities directly to President Trump.
16. It is the policy of the United States to pretend that President Trump is concerned with the welfare and the rights of the people of the United States who are not billionaires. All Departments of the United States shall forthwith review all their websites and other publications, including press releases and speeches, to be sure that they comply with this policy and that they include sufficient words of pretense to make the point clearly.
17. In implementing these and all other Executive Orders, it is essential to give effect to the policy of the United States of America that America Comes First, and to understand that America is embodied by its President, Chief Executive, POTUS, Big Man, Head Honcho, Big Cheese, Top Dog, Numero Uno, all of which is our President Donald Trump. In other words, the interest of America is one and the same as the interest of our President Donald Trump. Which is the meaning of “America First.”

If you think that something along the lines of the above, or any part of it, has any constructive place in the Resistance, I would ask you to do two things.

First, use it however you think would serve that purpose or send it to whoever you think might use it constructively. And then please let me know what you’ve done.

Second, think about whether you can sharpen or expand upon these draft Executive Orders. For example, you might draft additional Orders concerning health care, science, racial justice, the economy or the misuse of the DOJ. If you do, please let me know.

I welcome any other thoughts, or corrections.

Marvin Wexler.

[email protected]